She Said how to Wow Her!

I was having drinks w/ M____ tonight..and she was telling me about this ex-football player she recently met.

They met thru friends at her hair place…which also has a men’s grooming business attached. Anyway..they met and exchanged numbers..but he was committed to going out of town for the weekend to a music festival in Charleston..and he apologized for meeting her so late..or he would have invited her to go… She was fine w/ all the timing..and he told her he’d be back at the end of the weekend.

She said what would have Wow’d her would have been a thoughtful anything once he got back..just a quick call/text saying “Hey..I’m back..when we get together for a coffee..or a bite..or just to chat”.

Instead…she hasn’t heard anything…and she’s a bit disappointed.

But, more importantly..she has shut her heart a bit to him..because if he didn’t think enough of her to reach out and say hi..then she knows he’s too busy to get to know her….and that is what was important to her

So..if you have a chance to Wow her…..then Wow Her with no abandon… Just don’t be a jerk..or creepy..

Just be nice..

Just Wow her!!

She said she was a Racist…it ended then

So S_____ and I had seen each other on a few sites and finally connected and agreed to meet one Saturday morning.  She was beautiful, educated, a church goer, grounded and focused on her kids and career….with a side gig as a math tutor.

We met at a nice crepe place in Matthews..and she had to leave soon for an arts/crafts event  with coworkers.  During the course of our conversation, she admitted to being a racist..that she didn’t have any any interest in dating outside her race..and that her Ex…(.who was even worse of a racist than she) would not even let their daughters associate w/ their non-white friends while they were with him.

Here is the conflict..though…  She cashed in her retirement  to get him thru college after a stint in the military.  He couldn’t go any further  with his career..so the natural thing to do was for her to put him thru college.  Then, I guess he leaves, after “beating the crap out of her”.

But..when I explained that my Ex had moved out 5 weeks after getting her citizenship..her reply was.. “well..you should have seen that coming”.   That is a two way street, though, anyone should have seen it coming for her when she put him thru college..and then he left.

Luckily, (snark alert), she is a christian and told me I should “pray on it” regarding my desire  to keep my daughter from her mother  as much as possible because  of her betrayal.  But..she doesn’t seem to see the  need to “pray on it” regarding her xenophobic attitudes towards immigrants.

Anyway…we agreed it wouldn’t work…and she cut out.. ! (Yea!!)

Patience .. it’s not always about you!!

I met her through tinder..she was a beautiful Latina from Columbia…visiting her daughter … and we had to communicate thru the Spanish to english part of google..

We chatted.. we met.. and we had a wonderful time.. while we walked around town .. she held my arm.. and it was a good feeling.. she was beautiful inside and out..

She did, though, go silent .. and it was unnerving .. and I’d reach back out .. and silence .. until way later or the next day

Finally.. I wrote a note to her explaining how i did not understand her silence.. how it was driving me crazy.. I poured out my soul.. and did everything.. except send it

Instead.. I saved it to my phone.. and practiced patience .. and I’m glad I did.. because later In the week.. we had some nice conversations…

An old coworker of mine.. an x-colonel in the marines.. said that if you ever have a twinge of doubt about sending a comment.. then listen to your voice .. and don’t do it

So there is a lot to be said for getting it out of your system.. write it out….save it.. ponder it.. savor it.. do everything but send it.. you’ll be happy with both actions  ..

So practice patience !!.

 

 

 

If you have a Heart..that means it will get Broken!

As Bob Marley once said” If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy.. If she’s easy..she won’t be amazing..If she’s worth it..you won’t give up. If you give up..you’re not worthy. . Truth is..everybody will hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

And..the great bard said that  it is better to have loved and lost…then never have loved at all.

The point is..we can’t be soul less in our relationship with people.  We were put here to love..love each other..help each other..treat each other with love and dignity.

Our priest told us today,during the sermon, that a couple of things God did not create were Evil and Darkness..because evil is the absence of love..and darkness is the absence of light.

So..don’t be afraid to have your heartbroken..learn from it..grow from it..love from it..but love

Habits!!

My friend M__ said something profound a few weeks ago.

She said “Don’t get stuck in habits which reduce your new experience in your life”.  I think she was saying..don’t  get stuck in the same old rut.  Don’t be afraid to try new things…experience new things.  Unless you are Hindu..we only get one chance at this life..

Make the most of it… I think you’ll be surprised at what you accomplish.. how it makes you feel..and the confidence it gives you…which is very attractive when finding someone to share your life with

 

Overly Eager….or Too Aloof??

As my 11 year old told me the other night…”Girls don’t like it when you are too eager..”  And..she is right?

That led me to think about why…for some people…I’m aloof and don’t want them to get too close to me…and for others…I’m all in (overly eager) almost from the get-go.

I’ve been chatting w/ D____ at work since December… She is recently separated..has a great personality and body…and likes to flirt with me. Yet..I keep my distance… Is it because it is work…or is there a lack of “chemistry” which prevents me from moving forward.  Am I still hung up on C____.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that there is not the  excitement when I think of of D_____ despite all her great qualities. The one thing I can say is that she seems eager to get to know me..and that is a bit of turn off.. and I don’t know why..

On the other hand..I met Cl_____ week for last. She was standing in line in front of me at the local grocer..and I flipped for her.  Stunningly beautiful doesn’t even begin to describe her…she had a quality which I fell for immediately.  We chatted..and exchanged numbers..and we even went out the next night…but….I rushed things…I was too eager to get to know her…despite all the issues  she was facing w/ her separation/divorce etc.

Had I been less eager…(less desperate?), I think we would still be chatting…but she stop responding the next week…so I let it go.

The real question is how  to balance that desire to get to know someone with the  need to not rush things..to “be cool” as we get to know each other.

Unfortunately..I’ve noticed this is a bet of a recurring theme with me…an Instant Like which can be off putting.  There are women who want to be swept off their feet in a confident way….but being “Overly Eager” is not the way to do it..

She was Compelling..and I Messed it up with my stupid question….

This could also be entitled “I Hate the Taste of My Foot in My Mouth..Especially in the Morning”

Or even “If you have a twinge that it is a bad idea..then it is a bad idea!”

I met L____ thru one of the social media sites…  To say she was beautiful is like saying that he Mona Lisa was a painting and that the Eiffel Tower was a structure…

And.. after chatting with her a bit..I saw how smart and witty and insightful she was.   But..there was more to her than that..there was an easy elegance to her…it wasn’t fake..it wasn’t manufactured..she was she…and that was all she needed to be..

We chatted a bit about things..and she said she was writing a book about being single over 40…and I introduced her to this site…

Anyway..after some more banter..I foolishly asked if she liked her hair being touched.  Now..if you’ve ever seen Chris Rock’s “Good Hair”…  Having your hair touched can be a thing to some African American women…

But Why did I Ask??

I don’t know..just being a bit flirty and silly…I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.  Her hair is beautiful..and you can tell she goes to great lengths  to keep it looking the way it does….and it was a bit of a segue way into talking about her hair..and then complimenting her  on it.. Also.. I was genuinely interested in her perspective..Some women are ok with it..and some women are “Oh Hell No..you’re not touching this after I’ve worked on it for so long”

But..the worst answer to why I did it was that I was just being stupid by asking…and not thinking it thru completely… I had a twinge before hitting send..of “don’t send that..you will regret it”..but I stubbornly insisted to myself that it would be ok.  What a dumb move..

Her eventual response was constructive criticism…which was “to develop a better rapport with a person before asking a question which could be offensive”.

That’s a good point..and I didn’t see it that way when I sent it..

The worst worst part of it is that I don’t know if there is anything I can do to fix this …She thinks I’m an idiot…and I’m afraid I’ll never get to know the beauty of her.

Accept the No and MTFO

I met R_____..and we had some imteresting chats. And I thought she would be nice to get up know..

She made the point of telling me she was an anxious introvert .. meaning meeting new people was not easy for her.. And that the thoughts of doing it gave her anxiety.

I asked if we could meet for lunch Saturday at 11, since she works her side gig at 12.  She said “ that won’t work with mall traffic.. parking ..etc”

And that was it..

So I bowed out gracefully and said have a great day & talk to you soon..and then I deleted the contact.

I’m not going to beg someone to spend time with me.. And if parking/traffic is enough from keeping someone from seeing me .. then too bad on them.. they aren’t right for me!!

I’d rather be alone..

(MTFO is move the f on)

7th Level of Hell

That is where you end up after being betrayed by the person you love.

A girl  I met a few years ago … a chemist … with her PhD… told me that physiologically… it takes 7 years to get over it … She said there could be a trigger event … and if all comes back immediately … as fresh and raw as of it were yesterday.

There is the dehumanizing aspect to placing your trust in someone … just to have them discard it like you are nothing.

There is the humiliation and shame of people thinking “why did he let her treat him like that”

But the worse part ( at least for me ) of it is the helpless feeling you have when you know there is NOTHING you can do to fix it … She’s with him… she’s moved on… and you are nothing .

Still… as the great bard said … it is better to have loved and lost …. than never loved at all

Pick yourself up… dust yourself off… and move forward … Open your heart up eventually to someone who will love you

Live the ending of Swingers…. the movie.  Jon Farveau meats Heather Graham … and his x calls…  But this time… he lets it ring.